But what if...

I  am going to share something about my infertility journey and if is TMI(too much information) I apologize but maybe it will help someone.  I took a pregnancy test a few weeks ago - NO I AM NOT PREGNANT.  But I thought I would share why and try to explain why.

For most of my adult I have not been normal and every 3 to 4 months for many years I would take a pregnancy test before I took some medication.  I never really thought I would be pregnant when I took these tests they were simply a way of confirming it was okay to take the medication.

Fast forward, we are in the middle of our 3rd adoption and we are beginning to see the end in sight and for the last year I have been relatively normal.  I have not had to take the periodic pregnancy tests or the medication.  I realized that things were not normal a few weeks ago.

That is when my head began to spin and all the possibilities began to swirl.  The question became is this possible and am I crazy. On a side note for those who are not familiar with my story, I have under gone infertility treatments but have never been pregnant.  But on the other side of it was what if it is possible.  They will stop the adoption - and that part of me want to scream NO - NO they can't stop it. But what if...

These are the conclusions I came to because of this recent experience.  Everyone conclusions will be different.

-I still desperately want to adopt my unknown child for which we are waiting.  The thought of someone having us stop the process because of the prospective of a birth child frustrates me.  I know why this is in place and every agency that we have worked with, and there have been 3, this is standing policy.  For me the prospect of a birth child doesn't change my desire for my child that is waiting.  For some it does and that is okay.  If something would happen I hope there are exceptions.

-There is fear involved.  What if I get pregnant and then miscarry.  What if we have told everybody and we all must journey through the pain.  Also when do you tell everybody and is deceptive not to tell the adoption agency till you are 3 months along.

-Hope that the impossible could happen but not obsession.  And a realization that my psyche can handle the unknown.

-Confidence that if it does happen that it is 100% a God thing and I will shout it to the mountain top.

-Finally that I am still okay with a No answer.

So here is where I stand and I know who stands with me.  What will happen in the future I do not know.  But as the song writer puts it -

 I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

I know who holds my hand and more than that He saved me and He will carry me if need be.